Posted in Career, Faith, Home-based Diaries

I got lost somehow…

It has been a year since I took the risk of resigning from the BPO/Corporate world to start up a home-based career.

My goals were clear:

  1. To be able to look after my kids closely and guide them through the most sensitive stage of growing up.
  2. To change the course of my family’s life to attain financial freedom while doing my duties as a mother to my children and a wife to my husband, all at the same time.

I knew it won’t be easy, but I was very determined with a firm belief deep down inside that I will be able to make it in anyway. My plan was to really work and start on something to fuel up our financial resources, or at least establish a passive income while doing a home-based job,

Prior to my last day in the very last company that I worked with, a former employer reached out to me, curious about my recent posts in Facebook about not needing to take a leave from work while on vacation, and when I informed him that I will be resigning from work to start a home-based career, he immediately offered me a job that I can do home-based, and he will be paying me the same amount of money that I was earning from the last company, which is not bad. I was so amazed by how God works in my life (again) at that time and was so thankful for sending such people across my path.

So, I worked for him as a Virtual Executive Assistant and it was a great deal, but then as days and few months passed by, I started to realize the conflict on my situation. The people that I must deal with to do the task were the same people that I worked with prior to my BPO stint. I know them, as well as they know me, but my boss who is the President of the company, preferred not to reveal my real identity, so I was introduced only as the VA to the Executive Office, no name, just the VA.

At first it was fine with me, but I sensed that people started getting curious about my identity. Maybe because some of them recognized my work since I worked with them for almost 6 years before, or because they know that the President wouldn’t just trust anyone in a short period of time, so I feel that they started suspecting that it was me. While none of them outspokenly inquired about my identity, some of the communications addressed to me started coming in, addressing my real name on it. When I discussed the matter to my boss, he said to just let it be, and told me that if someone will ask him or confirm if it is me, then he won’t deny, but since nobody is asking, he will not be initiating to reveal it to them himself and he ask me to do the same. So, unless no one is asking, I cannot reveal myself voluntarily in respect to the President.

But things started to get tight. With the daily communication, I can feel the silent contempt from the people I worked with and pressure started to build up, until I started feeling toxified each day. After for 4 months of working with them, I decided to let go. It was not an easy decision because the President has a great deal of faith in me and he had given me a lot of opportunities already, and I had been failing him by deciding to leave. He even said he is treating me as his own daughter, a family. But I just didn’t feel that I will improve further, both professionally and financially, with how things are going on, just like how I felt when I first decided to leave his company to try my luck in the BPO industry. So, even if I am feeling extremely worried and guilty of letting him down again, I still opted to give up the post. My goal towards financial freedom is still my priority, for my family.

Alas! God never ceases to amaze me. When I was about to give up the post, a former teammate who is also a friend, informed me about a job opening and advised me to submit my application, which I was hired shortly. So, when I decided to give up the previous job, I also started a new one right away. The work was easy because it is the same work nature with one of my former BPO company, and the pay is not bad as well. Great deal!

That was towards the end of December of last year (2018). By the end of January (2019), I decided to start working on increasing my financial resources. I enrolled in an online professional training academy to learn more about the virtual and freelancing world, as well as online marketing. The membership fee was fair enough with a lot of video tutorials and resources accessible while on subscription aside from live tutorials itself. I thought it was a good start and I was so excited for a lot of things that I am about to learn.

But an unexpected thing happened… I got pregnant! Not planned, but not totally unwanted. Although, at first, I was hesitant and worried, but of course, I acknowledge it as a blessing! Hesitant, because at 39, I never intended to have another child. Worried because life is not getting any easier these days and we still have a lot of financial obligations to attend to, thus having another child might drag our finances down low in the following months or years. But I opted to trust His will anyway.

Comes April, I started to lie low on attending the online tutorials, until my subscription expired. Originally, I planned to upgrade my subscription prior to expiration to get access about online marketing and how to start up and maintain an online business, but for some reason (maybe due to my pregnancy), I lost my drive thinking that I can just get back to it anytime later on.

Just like my previous pregnancies, I have not experienced morning sickness and other weird stuff that pregnant women do and feel, but as my pregnancy progressed, my enthusiasm towards work and other goals decreased, and I felt more and more exhausted as the days went by with the house chores and the work that I needed to attend to all at the same time. I have no one to help me with the chores and with my 4 yrs old boy. No nanny, no house help. I felt consumed. Maybe because of the pregnancy in addition to everything that I need to deal with or maybe because it is just really how the home-based working mom’s life is. I knew it’s hard, but it is harder than I ever anticipated.

Then, it was within the last 2 weeks of May when another problem came in. Back in our province (both mine & my husband’s hometown), my father in-law who had been suffering with post hypertension stroke condition been rushed to the hospital due to another attack and got in coma. Shortly after, while father in-law was still in admission, my mother in-law was also admitted for a different illness. Father in-law stayed in coma for almost 2 weeks that the siblings thought he can no long recover for long. My husband’s siblings all live far away from their parents and they’ve agreed to all go back home and pay a visit before it’s too late. We were financially unprepared then that at first, my husband wanted to go by himself in order not to spend a lot on travel expenses. But since I had been feeling very exhausted and consumed, I didn’t want to be left at home with the kids. Besides, it had been 2 yrs since I last visited my hometown. I badly wanted to go thinking that it might relieve how I felt and refresh my mind and my inner being. So, I decided that we go all together.

During our visit, me and the kids stayed in my relative’s place which is an hour drive from the city, while my husband attended to his parents in the hospital (within the city). Father in-law woke up from coma before we arrived, but already bedridden w/ a tube installed for his food intake.  My husband just stayed for a week and get back to the Metro right after his father’s discharge, while me and the kids stayed for another week to maximize the vacation since their school year has not started until June 14th.

While I was on said vacation, I had not been able to work due to unstable internet connection in the place where I stayed. On the 3rd working day, I decided to get back to the city to get good connection but my account itself was already locked out and I can’t no longer access the remote desktop to work. Maybe because of multiple failed connection or because of something else. I tried to contact my immediate supervisor, but he has not responded to my messages in WhatsApp and I got no other way of contacting him since all other communications are through the remote desktop which I can no longer get through. I decided to take it lightly and let it pass. I don’t want further stress and pressures at that time.

When I get back to the Metro, I still tried to communicate with my supervisor via personal email and WhatsApp messages, I asked about my status and provided explanation about what happened, but to no avail. I don’t know what really happened and not sure why my account had been locked out for such a short time, but he never enlightened me, he never responded to any of my messages. It was not ok, but in order to not get so depressed, I totally let it go without getting any clarification about my status.

But I worry about our finances and I know that my husband also does since his income alone will be not be enough for all our obligations including the continuous medications of both of his parents. I was also worried that he might blame me for insisting on going back home with him which resulted to losing my online job. But I also felt deep inside that I only did what I think would help me recover and refresh my enthusiasm, and my aggressive self and refocus on my original goals.

After a week of thinking things through, I started to look for a new job, still home-based since I’ve got no plans of getting back to the corporate or BPO world anymore. I received responses to most of my applications, but some put my application on hold due to my pregnancy while got no luck on others after having interviews and screening tests. It has been over a month now and this has been the longest time in my entire working career so far that I am not generating any income. Previously, I always make sure to secure a new contract from the new company before my last day with the former one. So, I never really been idle, even for a day, during my job transitions.

Looking back where and when I started in this home-based career, I realized that I have not been able to achieve anything after a year, and worst, I ended up jobless. I started questioning myself. Can I really pull this off? Is this a bad karma because I had been ungrateful to my former boss by letting him down again? Did I not put enough efforts on anything? Maybe. Maybe not.

But then again, giving up has never been an option for me. Now, one thing is for sure, I got lost somehow, but I am holding on to my faith in His guidance and His will. He flattered and amazed me in so many ways and circumstances and I know by heart that He will never let anything happen without any good reason. I may not understand it, I may not know it, but I trust that it is for the better, as always.

By the way, I am still sending applications as of this writing, and let this quote close this lengthy writing of mine:

“Rejection is merely a redirection; a course correction to your destiny” _Bryant McGill

Thank you for reaching this far! 🙂

Author:

not a writer | not even a blogger | loves to share ideas & encouragements | aims to spread positive vibes | a mother of two | family is always a priority | believes that dreams do come true | & can make a difference to the world ♥😜♥

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